- Local Man Still Waiting In Line At Wal-Mart
Martha Throebeck, December 18, 2000
If you haven't started your Christmas shopping already, you don't have a prayer.
- It's Open Season On "Liberal Hippies"
James Baughn, December 12, 2000
Well, it may not come to that, but you never know with the antics of the General Assembly.
- Ode to Iben Browning: Ten Years After
Christopher Morrill, December 3, 2000
In 1990, Missouri was the laughing stock of the nation, not Florida.
- Washington Hit With Severe Paper Shredder Shortage
Martha Throebeck, December 1, 2000
Clinton doesn't want to get Bush-whacked.
- Democrats Disqualify All But One Vote In Florida
Martha Throebeck, November 29, 2000
Gore wins the closest Presidential race ever -- with a whole lotta help from his cronies in the Florida Supreme Court.
- A Foul Taste
Christopher Morrill, November 28, 2000
The city shouldn't be so quick to shut down The Taste Lounge.
- Headlines From Across Florida
Martha Throebeck, November 26, 2000
A sample of breaking news stories from Florida.
- Florida Recount: The Board Game
James Baughn, November 22, 2000
Experience the Election From Hell from the comfort of your own home.
- Dexter man awakens from 1999 "turkey coma", just in time to eat again
David Lee Deville, November 21, 2000
Turkey is a natural depressant.
- Country Line Dancing Decreases I.Q.
David Lee Deville, November 14, 2000
New study proves long-suspected theory.
- Three Trillion Deer "Almost Killed" Last Weekend
David Lee Deville, November 13, 2000
Deer hunters report seeing record numbers of deer -- but not necessarily killing them.
- Students In Mrs. Konarski's Third Grade Class Demand A Recount
James Baughn, November 12, 2000
"We scored more!" the students claim.
- There's One Thing We Can All Agree On: Dan Rather Needs To Go!
James Baughn, November 11, 2000
The biggest scandal may not be the mess in Florida, but the mess on TV.
- The Deer Know Something
Martha Throebeck, November 11, 2000
Deer season opened today in Missouri.
- Dateline 2002: The Dead Are Voting Democrat!
James Baughn, November 8, 2000
It all started with the defeat of John Ashcroft...
- Humor Writers Desperate For A Bush Victory
Martha Throebeck, November 8, 2000
If Al Gore wins, it could spell disaster for America -- American humor writers, that is.
- The "Lesser Evil" Endorsements: Picking The Best Of The Worst
James Baughn, November 6, 2000
Or the worst of the worst, depending on your point of view.
- Holding My Nose, and Heading Straight For The Bush
Christopher Morrill, November 5, 2000
You gotta do what you gotta do: vote for the lesser evil.
- Drunk drivers endorse Bush
David Lee Deville, November 5, 2000
The Democrats' "November Surprise" has backfired in Missouri.
- Voters Threaten To Go On Strike!
Martha Throebeck, November 4, 2000
Do you really want to get Gored or am-Bushed?
- Secretary Of State Unveils "Perennial Candidate Discount Program"
Martha Throebeck, November 4, 2000
Token candidates who run year after year will save 30% on their filing fees.
- Neumeyer's Latest Ad Stinks of Desperation
Christopher Morrill, November 2, 2000
"Married with children" is not a job requirement for elected office.
- Show-Me Sympathy: The U.S. Senate is not an entry-level job
Christopher Morrill, October 30, 2000
Are you sure you really want to vote for a dead man?
- $237 Billion Surplus Wasted By Congress In Overnight Spending Binge
James Baughn, October 28, 2000
Congress can be quite efficient when it comes to spending other people's money.
- This Is My Property, Darnit!
James Baughn, October 23, 2000
We've found a solution to Missouri's picayune campaign finance law.
- Overdosing on Prescription Drugs
Christopher Morrill, October 22, 2000
Just say no to Federal prescription drug programs.
- Enough New York, Already!
Christopher Morrill, October 19, 2000
Everyone likes to pretend the Midwest doesn't exist.
- Carnahan's Final Campaign Stop
Christopher Morrill, October 18, 2000
We would like to express our regrets and condolences over the death of Mel Carnahan
- "Educide" -- It Should Be A Crime
James Baughn, October 15, 2000
Depriving a student of the right to a free education is what I called "educide" -- and it should be a crime.
- Brilliant! Let's Improve Safety By Reducing Highway Funding!
James Baughn, October 10, 2000
If highway funding is cut at the whim of Congress, safety will certainly decrease.
- Live From Academic Auditorium
James Baughn, September 26, 2000
Who needs the Olympics? The real action was at Academic Hall.
- Let's See Carnahan and Ashcroft Wrestle in a Cage Match
Christopher Morrill, September 26, 2000
This year's Missouri elections are highly amusing.
- In Praise of Negative Campaigns
Christopher Morrill, September 24, 2000
You simply can't have a good election without negative campaign ads.
- Unusual Names for Children Banned as "Child Abuse"; NAACP Files Protest
David Lee Deville, September 18, 2000
Just say no to unpronounceable baby names.
- One Candidate Actually Opposes Prescription Drug Programs
Martha Throebeck, September 17, 2000
But his chances of winning seem very slim.
- Do they have demolition derbies in heaven?
Christopher Morrill, September 12, 2000
I have a confession to make: I love demolition derbies.
- 2004 Olympics Awarded to Kelso
David Lee Deville, September 11, 2000
It all started as a joke, but now the world will focus on Kelso in 2004.
- The Talking Wall Ornament Epidemic Continues
Martha Throebeck, September 7, 2000
If things can't possibly get any worse... the Universe finds a way.
- Jackson School Board Reinstates Capital Punishment
David Lee Deville, September 6, 2000
School just got a whole lot more polite.
- Redneck Nature, or Redneck Nurture?
Christopher Morrill, September 5, 2000
How to raise a bona-fide Redneck.
- Muscular Dystrophy Cured; Jerry Lewis Applies for Food Stamps
David Lee Deville, September 3, 2000
No more Labor Day telethons.
- World's Longest Running Yard Sale
Martha Throebeck, August 22, 2000
One family becomes a world record holder.
- Does "Bellweather" Mean "Bandwagon"?
Christopher Morrill, August 20, 2000
Missouri is a key state in the Presidential election.
- It's Open Season on Billy Bigmouth Bass
Christopher Morrill, August 17, 2000
Let's put a stop to talking wall ornaments.
- Cute girl found in online personal ads
David Lee Deville, August 15, 2000
But not everybody believes it.
- New Study Reveals 88% of Rodeo Attendees Have Never Ridden A Horse
David Lee Deville, August 14, 2000
There's not a real cowboy for miles.
- McDonalds Enacts New Anti-Lawsuit Policy
Martha Throebeck, August 11, 2000
Nobody will ever get coffee burns -- or huge lawsuit settlements -- ever again.
- The Obligatory Election Roundup
James Baughn, August 9, 2000
The results are in from the August 8th primary election.
- Richard Nixon wins GOP Primary for Cape House Seat
David Lee Deville, August 9, 2000
The outcome of this election came as a complete surprise to everyone.
- Blomeyer Resident Ecstatic Over Election Results
Martha Throebeck, August 9, 2000
It's a battle between Dutchtown and Blomeyer.
- Hey, Jim Drury: Nobody Cares!
Martha Throebeck, August 6, 2000
Your campaign is dead, Jim.
- Finally, A Good Use For Censorship
Martha Throebeck, August 5, 2000
Who cares about sex and violence? We really need to worry about campaign rhetoric.
- Huge Sale At OfficeLeast! [Well, Maybe Not]
OfficeLeast Stores, Inc., August 3, 2000
The quality of a sales promotion is inversely proportional to the length of the fine print.
- The Online Shopping War
James Baughn, August 3, 2000
One Chicago-area village is waging a war against e-commerce.
- The grapevine is alive and well in Neckred County
Martha Throebeck, July 30, 2000
...And when it comes to news of the utmost importance, it works faster than greased lightning.
- Preview Of This Season's Television Lineups
James Baughn, July 29, 2000
We suggest that you do touch that dial.
- Missouri General Assembly Disbands!
Martha Throebeck, July 26, 2000
State Legislatures feel that they are getting the shaft -- and they aren't going to take it anymore.
- Dateline 2005: Anti-pesticide lobbyists wish they hadn't lobbied against pesticides
James Baughn, July 10, 2000
If you thought the mosquitos and chiggers were bad now...
- Local newsanchor says something positive about the Internet!!!
Martha Throebeck, July 10, 2000
The TV news briefly suspended its anti-Internet stance -- but only briefly.
- Local Religious Activist Invents "Church"
David Lee Deville, July 9, 2000
One local resident discovers a solution to the Supreme Court.
- Is Cape Racially Divided?
Christopher Morrill, July 8, 2000
Well, duh. Of course it is, just like any other city.
- The Great Cape Race of 2000
Shane, July 7, 2000
When it comes to rush hour in Cape, all bets are off.
- Sensational All-Humidity Diet Unveiled
David Lee Deville, July 7, 2000
"Diet and exercise" is just a gimmick to sell more stationary bikes and low-fat TV dinners.
- Everyone's Upset Over High Gas Prices -- Including Environmentalists
James Baughn, July 6, 2000
People are responding to the high gas prices in irrational ways.
- Everyone sick of hearing about "fireworks safety"
Martha Throebeck, July 5, 2000
Declare independence from over-protective do-gooders.
- Local Resident Proposes "Suicide Platform" To Reduce Bridge Closings
Martha Throebeck, July 5, 2000
It's time to provide a safe place for people to threaten suicide without blocking traffic.
- Gubernatorial Candidates Debate "Sexfare"
David Lee Deville, July 3, 2000
The candidates hope to appeal to a large voting block -- people who aren't getting lucky.
- School administrators: Choose your battles wisely
James Baughn, June 28, 2000
A student in Jonesboro, Arkansas was suspended from school for his webpage. This type of case has happened before: with the school losing.
- Leave it to SEMO to leave radioactive material lying around
Martha Throebeck, June 27, 2000
There's always been something wierd about Magill Hall.
- Eating Rats In An Urban Jungle
Martha Throebeck, June 21, 2000
Could you survive for two weeks in an urban jungle?
- Win The Lottery, Buy A Double-Wide
Larry Cooner, June 20, 2000
Our Neckred County columnist reports on the people who made money the old-fashioned way: they bought lottery tickets.
- Angry mob descends on furniture store
Martha Throebeck, June 15, 2000
One store gets slammed for running a sham promotion.
- There is such a thing as a free lunch
Martha Throebeck, June 14, 2000
A group of local unscrupulous lazy people are on the prowl for free dinners.
- Warning: Tobacco money can cause headaches, depression, and a deep-seated hatred of lawyers and politicians
James Baughn, June 6, 2000
Apparently it's okay to receive a job from the state official you just gave campaign contributions to.
- Cats: Not Just For Target Practice Anymore
David Lee Deville, May 26, 2000
One animal control officer used to have a very effective way of controlling animals.
- The Village of Bel-Ridge: Recipient Of The First Limburger Cheese Award
James Baughn, May 23, 2000
This is one award you don't want to win.
- Incest Rates Drop Slightly In Neckred County
David Lee Deville, May 22, 2000
Inbreeding in Neckred County appears to be on the decline.
- Local Bullies Upset Over Failed Passage Of HB2099
Martha Throebeck, May 19, 2000
Zero tolerance for smokers might have brought infinite pleasure to bullies.
- A Man and His Car: A Love Story
Christopher Morrill, May 17, 2000
To a Southeast Missourian, a car is everything.
- Ready or not, here come Sikeston's cloverleafs
Martha Throebeck, May 16, 2000
Worried about roundabouts? People worried about cloverleaf interchanges, too.
- Southeast Missourian's Prayer of the Day Saves 100,000th Soul
David Lee Deville, May 15, 2000
If you can't go to church, you can always read the newspaper.
- Delta and St. Louis: A Contrast in Speed Traps
Christopher Morrill, May 14, 2000
Delta isn't the only town accused of operating a ticket trap. They're just the first to admit it.
- City Residents Surprised By Lack Of Road Construction
James Baughn, May 14, 2000
For a brief period, the city is virtually free of orange barrels and "ROAD CLOSED" signs.
- Forget Microsoft; Break Up Wal-Mart
Christopher Morrill, May 3, 2000
We're all overlooking the worst monopoly of all: Wal-Mart.
- Three Cheers for Global Warming
Christopher Morrill, April 22, 2000
Global warming is not necessarily a catastrophe.
- Bootheel Man Sees a Hill for the First Time; Is Hospitalized for Vertigo
David Lee Deville, April 17, 2000
He just wasn't prepared for the mountains surrounding Cape Girardeau.
- Elian and Father Sent Back to Cuba, Strapped to Nuclear Missile
David Lee Deville, April 16, 2000
It's a win-win situation, except for Fidel.
- Everyone Wants A Taxpayer-Funded Stadium, Except Taxpayers
James Baughn, April 12, 2000
Do baseball teams really need state handouts?
- Cape Residents Looking Forward To Spring Cleanup
James Baughn, April 11, 2000
If you put junk out on the curb, they will come.
- Bachelor Gourmet: A Treatise in Unhealthy Living
Christopher Morrill, April 8, 2000
Southeast Missouri cuisine that's anything but lean.
- Letter Writing Campaign Bombards WDKA Channel 49
Martha Throebeck, April 7, 2000
Both people that can receive WDKA's broadcast are upset about the new lineup.
- Don't Vote? Then Don't Bitch
Christopher Morrill, April 6, 2000
Yet another election year rant.
- John Rocker's Birthday Now a Holiday in Sikeston
David Lee Deville, April 5, 2000
Rocker's popularity surges in Sikeston.
- Chaffee Churches Agree: Pretty Much Everyone is Going to Hell
David Lee Deville, April 4, 2000
Hell is a growth industry.
- A 25 Year Old Urban Legend Strikes Cape
James Baughn, April 4, 2000
Hoaxes belong in the trash can, not in a newspaper's Opinion page.
- Daylight? No, We Need Headache Saving Time!
James Baughn, April 3, 2000
It's time to quit changing the time.
- Riverfest Cancelled; No One Notices
Christopher Morrill, April 2, 2000
SEMO District Fair vs. Riverfest: This town is only big enough for one.
- The Cape Rock Is Now Online
James Baughn, April 1, 2000
A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first article.
- Welcome to Cape. Now, Leave.
Christopher Morrill, April 1, 2000
Open a "Hooters" type business next to a day care and you'll be guaranteed a never ending stream of controversy.
- Business Is Booming In Neckred County
Larry Cooner, April 1, 2000
Larry Cooner presents his first column from the heart of Neckred County.
- SEMO Thrilled by NCAA Tourney Loss
David Lee Deville, April 1, 2000
The basketball team might have lost, but that hasn't dampened spirits at all.
- New Madrid County Central Public School Lunch Menu
David Lee Deville, April 1, 2000
Another week of quality institutional food from the New Madrid school district.
- Making Money From Parking Problems
Martha Throebeck, April 1, 2000
A group of students are taking matters into their own hands -- and wallets.
- East Prairie School Board Bans Wrestling Clothing and Trash Talk
David Lee Deville, April 1, 2000
East Prairie takes wrestling a little too far.
- The Going Rate For A Presidential Vote? $152 on eBay.
Martha Throebeck, April 1, 2000
One man is selling his Constitutional rights for beer money.
