Fake News written by on Friday, April 1, 2011
from the let's-try-to-avoid-any-violent-mob-confrontations dept.CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Local resident Bart Dubeldorf apologized today after he accidentally forgot to wear his lucky Cardinals shirt on Opening Day, breaking a tradition that lasted 10 years. As a result of his mistake, the team lost its Opening Day matchup following an 11th-inning meltdown. The bad luck continued today when it was announced that outfielder Matt Holliday needed an appendectomy and will be out of the lineup for an indeterminate period.
Fake News written by on Friday, March 4, 2011
from the step-away-from-the-plastic-bottle dept.JACKSON, MO -- It didn't seem like that big of a deal. Bob Schmuckley grabbed a water bottle from his fridge and guzzled it before his morning walk, something he does every day. But this wasn't an ordinary bottle. It had expired the previous week.
Fake News written by on Monday, February 28, 2011
from the won't-somebody-think-of-the-children? dept.CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Students at Cape Central Junior High enjoyed some excitement today when the school was evacuated following reports of second-hand smoke from a passing smoker. Just after 1 PM on Monday, a pedestrian was spotted puffing a cigarette while walking down Independence Street. The man disappeared before he could be stopped, but all students and staff were immediately sent home as a safety precaution.
Fake News written by on Monday, February 1, 2010
from the a-real-million-dollar-baby dept.ST. LOUIS -- Now children don't have to wait until they are 3 or 4 years old to participate in a major beauty contest. Thanks to the first annual Little Miss Fetus U.S.A. Contest to be held next month in St. Louis, it will be possible for babies to win prizes and fame while still in the womb.
Fake News written by on Saturday, January 30, 2010
from the million-dollar-typo dept.HAYTI HEIGHTS, MO -- One little typo was responsible for sending $1.6 million in charitable donations to the beleagured town of Hayti Heights instead of the beleagured nation of Haiti. Intended to be used to secure clean drinking water in Haiti, the money will instead be used to secure clean drinking water in Hayti Heights.
Fake News written by on Monday, October 27, 2008
from the creative-funding-sources dept.Are you a college student who diligently obeys the parking regulations on campus? How dare you, cheapskate! By avoiding parking tickets, you are depriving the university of a valuable revenue stream.
Parking fines at Southeast Missouri State University have decreased 15% during the last year as more students have finally gotten a handle on the college's arcane parking regulations.
Editorial written by on Thursday, October 23, 2008
from the bet-you-didn't-expect-that dept.In previous years, we've held our noses and voted for the lesser evil.
But this year? Both candidates suck equally.
Fake News written by on Tuesday, June 24, 2008
from the national-cartel-for-athletic-avarice dept.CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Let the book burnings begin. This week, the NCAA® handed down the punishment for recruiting violations in the SEMO womens basketball program: the elimination of two seasons from the record books. Now it's up to the NCAA Enforcement Squad(tm) to make sure that all references to these games are completely wiped from history.
Fake News written by on Sunday, June 15, 2008
from the we-bless-for-less dept.BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS -- After successfully conquering groceries, automotive, and even medical care, Wal-Mart is set to announce an expansion into another industry: religion. The retailer will open in-store chapels at 50 select supercenters across the Midwest, offering a full range of spiritual services at discount prices.
Fake News written by on Sunday, March 16, 2008
from the maybe-it-will-see-some-use dept.CAPE GIRARDEAU -- The towering eyesore on Independence Street -- rumored to be a Federal courthouse -- could make the city a fortune. Tourism officials hope to highlight the courthouse as "America's Biggest Boondoggle" and attract visitors curious to see this pinnacle of Federal incompetence.
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